I like to think of myself as a kind person, considerate and forgiving, non-judgmental , encouraging and supportive. For the most part, I am all of these things, but there is one particular person who really brought out the worst in me. Something about her just triggered all my worst judgments. I never supported or encouraged her. In fact I was the first one to cut her down at the ankles and tell her how stupid she was. She was never good enough for me. I pushed her beyond her limits and when she asked for a break, I berated her for her laziness. Every decision she made I second guessed. I was always amazed when, in a quiet moment together, she would confess that she thought she, too, was good enough to deserve the best in life. What a cheek, how dare she! Who did she think she was? I had to keep her in line all the time. No one liked her and I could tell her all the reasons why. She dressed wrong, she ate wrong, she never said the right thing. She was a total social misfit and I was embarrassed to be with her in public. She was constantly concerned about what other people thought of her and she tried to keep everyone happy all the time. Didn’t she know this was an impossible task, a game you can only lose?
I am sure there are many of you out there who are living the same lie as me. You all have someone who pushes all your buttons and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel forgiveness or compassion for them. This one person is the black mark on your record of being a “nice” person. You can’t help being really, really judgemental and nasty. You say things to this one person that you would never dream of saying to anyone else in your life. Some of you may not even be aware of your nastiness and disdain towards this one person. So let me ask you to answer this question honestly. Have you ever done something silly and muttered under your breath, “idiot!”, “fool”, “dimwit”? Of course you have. We all berate ourselves with words we would never dream of saying to another. We judge ourselves by super-standards which we would never expect of others. We are our own harshest critics, our own worst enemy.
Could this be because we see ourselves from the outside in? I learnt that my recipe for self-compassion was one of judgement rather than discernment. This drove my self-worth down to non-existence. My confidence was low, my self-image sucked and I re-acted in the same way over and over again, which only served to make me more and more unhappy. I knew I was very judgemental but to be quite honest, I didn’t know how NOT to be. My own lack of self-worth spilled over into other relationships and areas of my life and I felt alone, isolated in my own self-made misery with no idea how to stop the over-reactions which perpetuated my cycle of confusion. I tried everything but I had lost myself, I had no idea how to be, I just knew how I DIDN’T want to be anymore.
Slowly, with time and lots of study, I began to crawl out of my dark place. I realised there is a recipe for many things in life, something which can be repeated to get the same result. We do this all the time and with great success. We create low self-worth, bad health, lack of confidence and many other “negative” outcomes on a daily basis, without realising that we are using a recipe to continuously create our own misery. Change the ingredients of the recipe and you will get a different result.
Over time I have found, tried and tested a recipe for discernment. Just knowing the recipe is not enough, you have to apply it. Doing so on a daily basis has helped my confidence and self-worth tremendously. I no longer feel lost and confused. I re-act less to what happens around me and I am infinitely kinder to me. In fact I now know HOW to be compassionate with myself, I am even beginning to like who I am.
If you are feeling low on self-worth or self-confidence, contact me. Let me share my recipe with you. You ARE worth it.
Until next time… Keep Moving.