Confessions of a Judger

I like to think of myself as a kind person, considerate and forgiving, non-judgmental , encouraging and supportive. For the most part, I am all of these things, but there is one particular person who really brought out the worst in me. Something about her just triggered all my worst judgments. I never supported or encouraged her. In fact I was the first one to cut her down at the ankles and tell her how stupid she was. She was never good enough for me. I pushed her beyond her limits and when she asked for a break, I berated her for her laziness. Every decision she made I second guessed. I was always amazed when, in a quiet moment together, she would confess that she thought she, too, was good enough to deserve the best in life. What a cheek, how dare she! Who did she think she was? I had to keep her in line all the time. No one liked her and I could tell her all the reasons why. She dressed wrong, she ate wrong, she never said the right thing. She was a total social misfit and I was embarrassed to be with her in public. She was constantly concerned about what other people thought of her and she tried to keep everyone happy all the time. Didn’t she know this was an impossible task, a game you can only lose?

I am sure there are many of you out there who are living the same lie as me. You all have someone who pushes all your buttons and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to feel forgiveness or compassion for them. This one person is the black mark on your record of being a “nice” person. You can’t help being really, really judgemental and nasty. You say things to this one person that you would never dream of saying to anyone else in your life. Some of you may not even be aware of your nastiness and disdain towards this one person. So let me ask you to answer this question honestly. Have you ever done something silly and muttered under your breath, “idiot!”, “fool”, “dimwit”? Of course you have. We all berate ourselves with words we would never dream of saying to another. We judge ourselves by super-standards which we would never expect of others. We are our own harshest critics, our own worst enemy.

Could this be because we see ourselves from the outside in? I learnt that my recipe for self-compassion was one of judgement rather than discernment. This drove my self-worth down to non-existence. My confidence was low, my self-image sucked and I re-acted in the same way over and over again, which only served to make me more and more unhappy. I knew I was very judgemental but to be quite honest, I didn’t know how NOT to be. My own lack of self-worth spilled over into other relationships and areas of my life and I felt alone, isolated in my own self-made misery with no idea how to stop the over-reactions which perpetuated my cycle of confusion. I tried everything but I had lost myself, I had no idea how to be, I just knew how I DIDN’T want to be anymore.

Slowly, with time and lots of study, I began to crawl out of my dark place. I realised there is a recipe for many things in life, something which can be repeated to get the same result. We do this all the time and with great success. We create low self-worth, bad health, lack of confidence and many other “negative” outcomes on a daily basis, without realising that we are using a recipe to continuously create our own misery. Change the ingredients of the recipe and you will get a different result.  

Over time I have found, tried and tested a recipe for discernment. Just knowing the recipe is not enough, you have to apply it. Doing so on a daily basis has helped my confidence and self-worth tremendously. I no longer feel lost and confused. I re-act less to what happens around me and I am infinitely kinder to me. In fact I now know HOW to be compassionate with myself, I am even beginning to like who I am.

If you are feeling low on self-worth or self-confidence, contact me. Let me share my recipe with you. You ARE worth it.

Until next time… Keep Moving.

Not Your True Self?

When we allow space, surrender all thought and just be deliciously conscious, that is when we restore balance. That fleeting moment is where we feel calm, hope and bliss. It’s where we find our true self and connection to our Source.

I have never been a birthday person, or a New Year reveler. It’s not that I haven’t tried, I just hate the anti-climax. Somewhere in my life, I came to believe that these occasions are supposed to let you feel connected and special and content. To me they just feel empty. Perhaps this is because I have felt profound connection, not at parties, but in the soft breath of a child or the autumn sun on cold skin. It is a connection with something unseen, indescribable. It is a connection with belonging and a joy so huge that the heart can’t contain it and words can’t portray it. It is a connection with consciousness, a space in all the emotional noise and busy-ness of life, where you find yourself wishing you could hold THIS moment, THIS feeling, forever.  It is a space where the world stops, just for a moment so that you can just be.

We are constantly searching for connection. We buy what we don’t want, or like, in an attempt to feel in, to connect. We drag ourselves to work and spend weekends travelling to some destination for yet another party or gathering, afraid of what we may miss if we’re not there.

Are you afraid to stop? Afraid of what you might find in the space you have created? Do you fill the spaces with TV, Facebook, music, children, friends, busy-ness? Have you ever allowed space? Who are you? What makes you, you? What do you love? What do you believe and what is important to you? Are these thoughts and feelings yours, or are you wearing them, like cast offs borrowed from the world around you, forgetting that you never chose them for yourself?

Allow yourself space. Connect with yourself. Think about who you are and who you want to be.  Take time to be in the moment, fully in the moment. Find the magic of connection, feed your soul and say hello to you. If you don’t like who you find, then change. We CAN choose who and what we want to be, what makes us happy and why. Start embracing change today, one small step at a time. Change your hair, use a new word or sit in a different chair. When we are stuck in the same routine, we are closed to all the glorious options available to us in this life.

Take that deep breath, today, change something small and keep moving.